


At the Hat of the Matter

by boshums



Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-27
Updated: 2011-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-26 14:46:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boshums/pseuds/boshums
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes… Glenn’s hat spoke to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At the Hat of the Matter

**Author's Note:**

> Another fill for the twd_kinkmeme over on LJ. Prompt was simply “Rick's hat/Glenn's hat - Crack fic” and I could – totally see it.

_Oh my god, oh my god - did you see that? Such shape, such_ form _, such - omaigawd, what is that man doing, they're going into that tank and leaving it on the ground!?_

Sometimes (okay, well, all the time), Glenn's hat spoke to him. Now, Glenn knew that not everyone's hat talked to them as much as his own did… Okay, fine: Glenn knew that no one else's hat really spoke to them, period. Glenn has had his ball cap since he was, like, five though, so he doesn't really think it's all that weird.

_Glenn - Glenn! Where's the radio? Such - such presence that one had! Such elegance! Glenn - /we must save the glory that is The Stetson, do you hear me/!?_

Of course Glenn heard his cap: it was on his head, speaking into his mind. Trying very, very hard not to roll his eyes (because the ball cap could _tell_ when he did that, which was all sorts of disturbing, and it got all bent out of shape about it - no pun intended), Glenn swung his bag around his shoulders and started digging the CB out.

Glenn knew he wasn't crazy at least: he knows other people can hear his hat too. Glenn doesn't tell people he can hear his hat - lord no, not after the first time, which… wasn't that awesome of an experience, really - but sometimes, you know, people will wear his hat. The ball cap's gotten some odd responses in the past though (one time he came back to find his 12 year-old cousin frowning fit to kill, dousing it in lighter fluid, and a few years ago one of his girlfriends put it on as a joke only to leave sobbing a couple minutes later - seriously, what does the cap **do** to these people?), so Glenn tries not to take it off his head for longer than necessary. He's had some pretty rough teasing over his ball cap and some really, really gnarly hat-head, but, honestly, Glenn couldn't imagine **not** having it there.

_You just left him there! You just - you just, ohmaigawd you're so cruel! I hate you! The walkers will destroy its greatness, because /even they will recognize its beauty/._

Honestly though, Glenn's never really been concerned that he had a talking hat; it's never been something he considered alarming. Glenn did, however, wonder how a **hat** could become such a pre-Madonna.

_Nonono! You're not supposed to leave the city! You're supposed to save the hat - not the man! You - you never loved me, did you? You're horrible._

Seriously though, sometimes the background chatter was a little distracting. Oh, yeah, sure, the inanity probably kept Glenn sane while the whole world, you know, went to shit, but having something _else_ screaming in your ear while you try to find the bet way to flee for your life? Little bothersome, as it turns out. So Glenn's gotten pretty good at blocking the hat out when planning, which is why, when they go all the way back to Atlanta for Merle and the guns, Glenn almost forgets to grab the Stetson.

_OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, LOVE ME: GRAB THE STATELY HEAD-WARE, GLENN!_

Moaning "Uuugh - the hat," Glenn alters his course to swipe it up before heading again to the alley and he's still convincing himself he won't be audience to some one-sided hat on hat porno when the scene that meets him registers - after that he has a whole new medley of issues.

It isn't until he's finally rescued and they're under the bridge on their way back to the truck that Glenn realizes his hat's been steadily crooning to the Stetson on Rick's head.

_Look at you, you handsome, handsome beast, you. All tall and proud and, mmm, that dip… MM-mmm, I get what they say about a man in uniform now, Glenn. This is sooo much better than that old man's limp little thing. You know they say the hat imitates the man… And, you know, Rick - am I right or emirate? Me-ow._

Oh my god, he can't listen to this - but nobody's talking and there aren't any zombies and -

_Mmm, look at you bobbin' with that man's gait. Makes me wanna just gobble you up._

\- Glenn needs to just say something, for christssake.

"Admit it: You only came back to Atlanta for the hat."


End file.
